A Tale of Hetalia
by Kuroneko99
Summary: This is a story made up of random Hetalia oneshots. Who knows what will appear
1. Chapter 1: Finding who again?

**Hello everyone. So, this is my first try at a Hetalia fanfic so please let me know how it goes. I don't own Hetalia or any of the other references in my story. Please read, review, and enjoy.**

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**Finding…who again?**

"Alright! So are we all here?" America asked exuberantly as the world powers meeting began under way.

"I don't know…it feels like someone's missing…" Japan muttered, glancing around at the different countries seated around the table.

"Not again…" Britain huffed, leaning back in his chair with a sigh. "This happens _every _time! Why don't we all just sign in before coming here?"

"Are you the hero, Britain?" America asked him, studying the blonde Englishman from behind his glasses.

"What in the bloody hell are you blathering about? What does that have to do with anything?"

"And that's exactly why I'm the hero and you aren't! so we're doing it my way! Everyone, number off!" America told them.

"That doesn't make any bloody sense!" Britain told him, but knew that no amount of arguing could sway the stubborn America's opinion.

"Germany you start!"

"Fine…Eins…" Germany grumbled.

"Due!" Italy said happily, his curl bouncing a bit as he moved.

"Hey! I was two!" Britain snapped at him.

"Wha! Germany, Germany! Britain's scary!" Italy cowered next to Germany who gave Britain a blank, blue-eyed stare.

"Wait, which number am I again?" Spain asked, severely confused.

"Remember it yourself, you dolt!" Britain snapped, turning away from the quivering Italy.

"Well I remember my number. Trois. See, even the number three sounds beautiful in French." France said haughtily as he flipped his golden locks, holding a bright, red rose in his fingers. Sparkles seemed to be dancing around him. The other countries just stared at him blankly.

"What a wanker." Britain muttered, ignoring the flirty France.

"Shut up, you vulgar pirate! You wouldn't know the first thing about elegance and grace with that trashy haircut of yours! You look like a mugger, you mangy dog of the Queen!" France threw the rose and it hit Britain squarely in the face.

"How dare you insult the Queen, you bloody wanker!" Britain seethed, shoving his face inches from France. "Do you want to start something?"

"If you mean if I want to start a war with you, then possibly. Either way you'll lose ungracefully. I'll send you whimpering home with your mangy tail between your legs." France informed him, pressing his forehead against Britain's. Tension filled the room like electricity; a common sign that Britain and France were at it again.

"Hey...America...shouldn't you stop them?" Japan asked, nervously glancing back at Britain and France who were now fighting with fists and flying words.

"Ha, ha! No, they always do that!" America told him, slapping him on the back unreassuringly. Japan who obviously not one to deal with stress very well.

"But they look like they're going to kill each other!" He protested, jumping as he heard France cry out in pain.

"Let go of my hair, you uncultured swine!" France cried. "You're tainting my beautiful hair with your filth! Unclean! Unclean!"

"I think your hair will look even better if I dye it black!" Britain shouted, smiling as France gave a horrified cry.

"America!" Japan pleaded.

"Ok,ok. I'm working on it. Does anyone know how to break them up?" America asked the other countries.

"Can I torture them until I make them cry?" Russia asked, sitting with his placid smile at the end of the table.

"No…I don't think that'll work and France is such a crybaby anyway."

"Five bucks on France!" Prussia shouted, appearing out of nowhere.

"No, Prussia. That's wrong! If you're gonna bet, bet on Britain." America corrected him. "Where did you even come from?"

"I was just passing through. And now I'll be leaving." Prussia gave him an evil grin and suddenly jumped through the window, his pet bird following after him.

"Can I place a bet on Russia?" Russia asked again, still wearing a smile on his face. Next to him, Latvia looked depressed and scared. The other two Baltic States weren't present, leaving him to face Russia all alone.

"But Russia, you're not fighting." America pointed out.

Russia stared at him for a moment, his smile making it to tell what he was thinking. "But I can beat both of them without even trying."

"Ok then." America told him.

"America!" Japan's voice grew desperate. "Spain and China are making a gambling circle and are placing bets!"

"Fine! Everyone stop!" America shouted and the room suddenly fell silent. "We have an issue at hand. Someone's missing and we need to figure out who it is. Alright, who's missing?"

"France is missing a brain and his moxy!" Britain sniggered.

"Well Britain's going to be missing all his hair and going to be looking even more pathetic than usual." France shot back, fixing his disheveled hair in a mirror.

"Shut up!" Germany barked, slamming his hands on the table as he stood up. "We can't start the meeting until everyone's here so shut your mouths before I shut them for you! Alright, who's not?" No one wanted to argue with the angry Germany for fear of being shot.

"I'm here!" Italy waved his hand in the air, eating a slice of pizza.

"Canada's not missing this time." America said, pointing to the America doppelganger sitting quietly in the corner with a white bear. The only difference between Canada and America was that Canada wore beige clothing and had huge curl on his head.

"America, you're an idiot. That's Sealand dressed as Canada." Britain told him.

"No I'm not! I mean...uh...Maple syrup. Hockey. Canadian Bacon. Maple Leaf. Eh." The fake Canada said.

"You see, Britain. He's Canada." America turned back to Britain, wearing that goofy grin of his.

"America, you're a bloody dolt." Britain told him flatly and grabbed Sealand by the collar of his shirt. Before he could protest, he pulled the fake curl out of his hair and removed his glasses. "See, America? Sealand snuck into the meeting disguised as Canada again."

"Oh my gosh! You're right! How could I not see it?"

"Cause you're an idiot…"

"Dangit! My brilliant plan is foiled!" Sealand struggled lose and raced for the door. "I will become a country and get all you guys to recognize me!" He shouted and slammed the door, leaving the other countries in silence.

"Who was that?" Italy asked.

"Dunno, he was much too small to be of any importance." Russia said.

"So who's still not here?" America's eyes scanned the room for any face missing. "Any ideas? I have a feeling I know who it is, but I can't remember."

"France is here. So is Greece and Spain." Britain said.

"Oh no! This is horrible!" America exclaimed suddenly.

"What is?" France questioned.

"The missing country's Canada! Canada's been kidnapped!"

"What? Kidnapped? I know what that'd like! It's not fun." Italy commented, his face falling a bit.

"How in the bloody hell did you come up with something as stupid as that?" Britain retorted, rubbing his temples.

"It explains everything! Canada's obviously been abducted!" America went on.

"Your skull's as thick as ever, America. No one's been abducted! " Britain tried to tell him, but it was in vain. Nothing could through to America when he went off on one of his delusions. "Even if he were 'abducted', who would abduct Canada? Aliens?"

"Now, now, Britain, before we start jumping to conclusions we need to take a moment to think." America told him, suddenly dressed in a Sherlock Holmes outfit, smoking a fake pipe. There was a fake mustache perched on his upper lips that he stroke meticulously.

"What the-? When did you get into that? Moreover, _why _are you dressed like that?" Britain stared at the young country in disbelief. "And if anyone's jumping to conclusions it's you!"

"Alright, before we begin deducing who kidnapped Canada, we need to decide who the main investigator is." Bubbles from the pipe rose into the air.

"I don't believe this!" Britain face palmed his face.

"Hey, America, if you get to dress up, do I get to dress up too?" Italy asked him.

"Sure, but you have to dress up as Watson. Actually, you all have to be Watson. I'm Sherlock Holmes!"

"Why do you get to be Sherlock Holmes?" France asked, rather put out. "It's not that I don't mind, I hate the outfit actually."

"Because all great detective shows come from America! We have at least forty-seven channels dedicated to crime shows. We have Law and Order, CSI, and hundreds more. That's why I should be Sherlock Holmes, the greatest detective ever!"

"You do know that Sherlock Holmes is British, right?" Britain told him. America stopped for a moment.

"That's just one minor detail. The fact is that if Sherlock was American he would have been ten times better. Besides, you have no crime shows of your own."

"We have Law and Order UK."

"Everyone knows that that show is just a rip off of the original. The only difference is that it's British. In short, it's just a lame imitation." America brushed him off and continued. "Now, let's get down to business. Just who would kidnap Canada?"

"Isn't that what we're trying to figure out?" France asked.

"Well Canada does have Maple syrup and is a rather big country." Russia mused. "I wonder how Vodka and syrup would taste."

"I don't think that pasta and syrup would taste good." Italy said.

"So there would be an incentive to kidnap Canada. Maple syrup would be a reason. Let's start with you, Britain!" He turned to Britain, pointing the pipe at him. "Where were you on the day of today?"

"I was here, you dolt! I was here the whole time. Why would I kidnap Canada anyways?"

"Why wouldn't you? Canada has many resources and is a big country. It's passive and quiet so it wouldn't take much to kidnap him." America continued, tapping his finger on the table.

"And so how do we know that _you_ didn't kidnap him?" Britain shot.

"Don't question the interrogator. Alright, Britain's in the clear; the Queen wouldn't want to take a country like Canada. How about you, France? You seem to have an obsession…with Canada's hair! Also it was originally part of the French empire."

"True, Canada was part of my empire, but that doesn't mean I want it back. If I were to kidnap anyone, it'd be Italy." France's eyes slide over to the oblivious Italy who sat petting a cat.

"That maybe but you seem to have an obsession with collecting countries that catch your eye. Where were you when Canada went missing?"

"I was getting my hair done at the salon." He flipped his hair again, adding emphasis to his statement.

"France is innocent. Now…Russia," America suddenly turned to Russia, "what about you? You're always looking for countries to torment and take over. Where were you when Canada was kidnapped?"

"I was tormenting Latvia all morning." Russia responded cheerfully.

"It's true…" He sobbed and held up a piece of paper with the words "Help Me!" scribbled on it.

"Eh, what's that, Latvia? A note?" Russia leaned over and Latvia jumped.

"I'm sorry! It won't happen again!" the poor Baltic state cried. He would have run away if Russia wasn't holding onto the back of his shirt.

"Hey, Latvia, if I dress you up in a chicken costume and put you out in the cold, how much will you cry?" Latvia couldn't respond through his tears.

"I don't think Russia wants another cold country." Britain muttered, edging away from the mentally insane Russia.

"If Russia did kidnap Canada, it's doubtful that he'd still be alive after so much torment. Canada isn't a very strong country and can't handle pressure. Now who else?" Suddenly his stomach growled and the room fell silent. "Well! I guess I can't solve this case on an empty stomach! China, cook us something!"

"Alright, aru!" China pulled out a wok from inside his shirt sleeve and whistled. "Come on guys, let's make something in China Town!" A whole flood of people rushed in and the sounds of building filled the room.

"Must you always build a China Town wherever you go?" Germany asked, watching as a China Town popped up before his eyes in the meeting room.

"It's not my fault, aru." China told him as he began to cook, the heavy scents of spices floating in the air. "Isn't that right, Panda?" Beside him sat a fat panda munching on bamboo. It just chewed on the leafy stalk. "You're so cute, aru!"

"I could have just cooked something…" Britain said.

"You cook something? You're the most tasteless miscreant I know. It's no wonder where America learned his culinary tastes from." France scoffed.

"Wha! I don't want to eat Britain's cooking! It's nasty!" Italy cried in horror.

"Is there any Vodka?"

"My cooking's not bad!" Britain growled.

"You wouldn't know the first thing about cooking if it asked you out on a date!" France told him. "We French were born knowing how to cook!"

"None of what you said made any sense, you buggar!"

"Food's done, aru." China's food stopped their fighting as dishes heaped with food were laid out on the meeting table.

"This is great, China!" America said through mouthfuls of food. "I would have loved a hamburger or four, but this is good too."

"You're complaining yet you're eating the most." Britain pointed out.

"America, when are you planning on paying back the debt you owe me, aru?" China asked and America almost choked on his food.

"Debt? What debt? I don't know what you're talking about." He said, trying to avoid the subject.

"Yes you do. How could you forget, aru? It's so big that it makes even Russia look small." China insisted, holding the wok in his hand. America eyed it nervously and searched for the right words as he swallowed a bit of food.

"Oh yeah…that debt." He laughed sheepishly, acting as if nothing was wrong. "Don't worry, I'll pay it off soon!"

"Ok, aru!" China smiled and walked off.

"Once I get the money…" America muttered quietly under his breath. The countries ate until they couldn't eat anymore. Once the dishes were cleared, they all let out satisfied sighs.

"That was a good meal." Italy muttered sleepily. "Now I want to go take a nap." He laid his head on the table, wearing a grin on his face.

"A nap sounds good…" Japan agreed with a nod.

"All this eating has made me tired. Why don't we all go rest up and then continue the meeting?" The countries nodded in agreement and got up the leave, Germany and Japan leading the sleepy Italy out of the room.

"I feel like we're forgetting something?" America said out loud as he exited.

"I can't remember either…" France replied.

"Guess it wasn't that important then." Russia smiled and shut the door behind him.

Sitting in the corner, forgotten by the other countries, sat Canada, the real one. He wore a small smile frozen on his timid face as he held his bear in his lap. "I'm right here, everyone." He said in a voice as wispy as the wind. It fluttered in the empty room then vanished.

"Who are you again?" the bear asked, glancing up with little interest.

"I'm Canada…" Canada replied timidly, managing a slight laugh.

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**I think the morale of the story is that America fails at being a detective and Britain can't make a good crime drama. Also, if you're Canada, no one remembers you no matter how hard you try**


	2. Chapter 2: HOUSE

**I actually didn't know what to do for this chapter so i decided to do a medical drama sort of thing. I wanted it to be sort of like House, but i don't think it turned out that way. So, please read, review, and enjoy**

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**House...or not**

"Doctor America! Doctor America! This is terrible!" Italy raced into America's office, out of breath. His white lab coat was in disarray from his run.

The blonde haired doctor looked up from his gaming system. "Huh? What's the dilemma? Did we kill another patient?" He seemed rather unfazed as the news and looked back at the giant TV screen hooked to his ps3. Nurse Tony sat next to him, pushing the buttons on the controller furiously.

"No..." Italy breathed.

"Ok...so did we get sued gain? If we did then go talk to Director Canada. I don't deal with lawsuits."

"It's not that either...Eh? You're not even listening to me...Wait...now I can't remember what it was that I was supposed to tell you..."

"Well then it probably wasn't that important." Doctor America assured him.

"But I was sure that it was, that's why I ran down here." Italy scrunched his forehead together in thought

"America! Italy!" They both jumped at the booming sound of Germany as he slammed the door open. "What are the two of you on break for?"

"G-Germany!" Italy gulped, cowering behind America's desk.

"What are you doing here?" America asked, pausing his game of Black Ops.

"What am _I_ doing here? That's what I should be asking you!" Germany slammed his hands angrily against the desks, knocking the cactus onto the floor.

"Calm down. You knocked Señor Cactus onto the floor." Stooping down, Doctor America picked up his desk plant and set it back on the desk. "Now what do you want, Doctor Germany?"

"I want you to get your butt out there and help our patient!"

"We have a patient?" America asked inquiringly. "Huh, when did this happen?"

"Don't give me that!" He roared. "We've had a patient for at least four hours! You told us to go check their blood for signs of an autoimmune disease and then you snuck off to play games? And you call yourself a doctor?" His blue eyes glared out at America from behind his glasses.

"Oh yeah…that's what I came down here to tell you, Doctor America." Italy poked his head out from behind the desk. "The patient doesn't have any signs of autoimmune disease so we're stuck again."

"So what do you want me to do about it?" The doctor leaned back in his chair, letting out a sigh.

"Get off your butt and cure the person! That's what you're paid to do!" Germany hauled him up by his coat.

"Alright! Alright! I'm going I'm going!" America cried and Germany released him. "Ok, get everyone together and we'll discuss this. Tony, break's over."

The alien gave an annoyed grumble and stood up after shutting off the gaming system, dusting off his light blue scrubs.

America walked through the glass door dividing his office from the room next door, Germany and Italy following behind. The doctor slid into the steel chair, tapping his finger against the glass table top. A few minutes ticked by before the rest of Doctor America's team arrived.

"Doctor France, Doctor Russia, what took you so long?" America asked as they took a seat.

"France was flirting with some of the nurses." Russia told them.

"So? They say that love heals all wounds." France defended, flipping his hair. "Well you were harassing nurse Latvia, nurse Estonia, and nurse Lithuania."

Russia stared at him with a blank smile on his face. "But it was fun." He said finally.

"Blimey! I can't believe both of you bloody wankers were slacking off while we have a sick patient. Truly a disgrace to the Queen!" Britain scoffed. Russia and France turned to him.

"What does the Queen have to do with this? Honestly, you're pathetic. Always doing whatever that old lady tells you to do, using her as an excuse for everything. Can't you go one day without mentioning that old woman? I bet she told you to wear that trashy haircut of yours." France retorted.

"Shut up, you bloody wanker! Don't you dare insult the Queen or I'll string you up by that girly haircut of yours!" Britain hissed.

"Britain you were the one drinking tea while the patient was having a seizure. You were eating scones and drinking tea while our patient lost control of her limbs and stopped breathing. You were eating while our patient was near death." Russia pointed out and Britain stiffened in his chair. The scariest part was that Russia was smiling cheerfully as he stab Britain with words of guilt.

"Well…uh…it was…tea time…so I uh…had to take a break." Britain stammered, averting their penetrating gazes. "Besides, it's not like I missed anything!"

"The patient stopped breathing and Germany had to revive her." Russia told him with a smile. Britain's face grew pale.

"You guys wouldn't bloody understand!" He shouted and turned away in shame. "You guys are my only friends." He sniffed and petted the flying mint bunny and Uni the unicorn. "Hey stop that. That tickles!"

"Uh, Germany, who's Big Brother France talking to?" Italy asked, leaning over to Germany.

"I have no clue…" Germany replied as they all stared at Britain in confusion. The British doctor seemed to be off in his own little world, petting the air and talking to something.

"I think that gaudy haircut of his is starting to effect his brain." France said, scooting back from Britain. "I hope it's not contagious."

"I think Doctor Britain might need to be checked into the hospital instead." America commented. "Well, while Britain's on whatever drug trip he's on, can someone tell me who the patient is?"

"You mean you don't remember? What were you doing the whole time I read the case file to you?" Germany snapped, turning to his boss angrily.

"You know, I don't really remember. Hehehe, could you remind me again?" America laughed.

"Don't 'hehe' me! We have a serious case on our hands! It's amazing that you're still the top doctor at this institution!" Germany ranted.

"You know Canada can't fire me. Without me, the hero, this place would be nothing. Now cool your frankfurters, Doctor Germany, and give me the patient's name." America casually shrugged.

"Fine, our patient's name is Hungary. She came in after collapsing suddenly. We don't seem to know what's wrong with her. Her medical history is clean. That's about all we know." Germany huffed, reading over the medical records of Hungary from a manila folder.

"Wow, that's surprisingly boring. Why couldn't we have picked a cooler case? I'd find it more interesting if were had a vampire who had a sun allergy. Or a zombie with an allergic reaction to brains! That'd be so cool!" America exclaimed, jumping to his feet. The room was silent and crickets could be heard chirping.

"I hear crickets." Italy said.

"Really, I hear Mozart." France said. Sure enough, the sounds of Mozart being played on the piano filled the room. "Where's it coming from?"

"Doctor Austria, why are you here?" America asked the black haired pianist. He sat in the corner at the baby grand piano, moving to the rhythm of the music as his fingers danced across the ivory keys. "Actually, when did you get here as well as where did you come from? Also, how'd you get the piano in here?"

"I don't think you can get through to him right now, once he starts playing he's really focused." Italy told him as Austria played on. Suddenly the floor under the piano began to sink into the floor.

"Why's the piano sinking into the ground?" Russia asked as the piano and Austria disappeared. The floor turned to normal and it was like there had never been a piano in the office.

"So there's where the batcave went!" America mused. "Guess I need Tony to make a sign to remind me where it is. So guys, any ideas on what our patient might be suffering from?"

"Nope, not really." Russia smiled. "Maybe she's suffering from downsizing?"

"Maybe she ate some of Britain's cooking." France suggested with a snigger.

"Shut up, you bloody wanker!" Britain hissed.

"She might have some internal bleeding or hemorrhaging in her brain." Germany said with all seriousness.

"From trying Britain's food!" France said again.

"That's it I've had it with you, you freakin' limey!" Britain jumped on France and they began to fight.

"Maybe she doesn't get enough pasta in her diet." Italy suggested.

"No, vodka would be better." Russia told him and Italy looked at him curiously.

"Will you two stop fighting?" Germany barked at France and Britain, but they ignored him. "That's it! I'm going to break you two up now!" He struggled to separate them but it was no use.

"Hey guys, don't we have a patient to see to?" America's voice made them all go quiet. "I don't see how you guys have time to fool around when someone's sick. Geez, and you call yourselves doctors? You should take your jobs more seriously." America began to walk out of the office with Russia and Italy behind him. "If you guys keep lazing about, I'll have to deduct your salary again!"

"Why you little-?" Germany seethed storming after the happy-go-lucky boss. "You're nothing but a hypocrite!"

"I'm sorry? Did you say that you want to work as a professional hobo and never be able to work anywhere ever again?" America asked with a smile.

"Uh…never mind." Germany buried his next line of raging comments in order to keep his job. America could be so threatening at times and then the next be a complete idiot.

"Here's the room." America stopped and peered in. "Hey, Doctor France, stop flirting and get your butt over here!" He turned and shouted to France who had slipped away and was trying to put some moves on the pretty nurses at the reception desk.

"Fine! See you ladies later." Blowing them a kiss, France reluctantly pulled himself away to join his team.

"And who are you?" the patient lying in the hospital bed asked suspiciously as America walked in. "You can't possibly be a doctor, can you? I mean, you don't look like one."

"What's wrong with my outfit? This outfit is cool! It's my hero uniform!" America looked down, studying his brown bomber jacket with wool lining. "Of course I'm a doctor! Why would you believe otherwise?" Unlike the other doctors who dressed in white coats, America wore pretty much whatever he wanted to

"Is he serious?" Hungary asked the other doctors.

"Yes, sadly he is…" Germany sighed.

"So, what seems to be giving you the most pain?" America asked her as he strolled over to her bedside. There were IVs running out of her arms and she was hooked up to a heart monitor.

"Uh…my chest and my back…" she responded. "So what's wrong with me? I have to get back to work as soon as I can."

"Actually, we have no idea so we're just gonna preform a bunch of useless and random tests on you and see what happens."

"...You can't be serious?"

"I am."

"What kind of doctor are you?"

"The cool kind!" America replied with a thumbs up.

"...What are you going to do to me first?" Hungary asked wearily.

"Well first we're going to-"

"We're going to preform intimate medical care while seizing your vital regions!" Like a ninja, Doctor Prussia appeared out of nowhere, towering over the sick Hungary menacingly while wearing an evil grin on his face.

"Wha? When did you get in here?" America and Hungary exclaimed.

"No! Go away, go away!" Hungary screamed, grabbing a broom that just happened to be lying around and began to beat Prussia with it mercilessly.

"Ow! Hey-? Stop it!" Prussia cried out, trying to shield himself from the vicious blows.

Suddenly Hungary started gasping for air, dropping the broom. "No…Not my vital regions…" She choked and the monitor began to beep.

"Great, now look what you've done." America said to Prussia as Germany and Britain began trying to keep Hungary's heart beating. "You've caused our patient's heart to give out. I'm going to have to remove you from here and fire you. Prussia, you're fired. Nurse Tony, please remove him from this hospital."

Tony walked into the chaotic room without a word and dragged Prussia away. Walking towards the exit, he shot him into the sky.

"You haven't heard the last of me! I will be back! And I'll seize all of your vital regions!" Prussia shouted as he disappeared into the sky.

"Well now that that's taken care of, how's the patient?" America asked, turning back to his team of not so highly trained doctors.

"She's stabilized for the moment…but she keeps moaning something about…vital regions…" Germany replied, glancing uncertainty back at the patient. .

"Give…them….back…! Give me back…my happy place…! Give me back…my vital regions! I must have…my vital regions…!" Hungary moaned in her incoherent state.

"You know, she's kind of cute when she's sleeping." France studied the sleeping woman with a glean in his eyes. "The best part about unconscious women is that they can't say no."

"No, Doctor France, no raping the patient. Besides, you've slept with enough women for today." America told him. 'We have to focus, guys! What could be wrong with our patient?"

"Maybe she needs CPR. I'd be happy to give it to her." France suggested with a smile.

"I think she should become a part of Russia." Russia said.

"I want some pasta!"

"Italy that has nothing to do with what we're talking about at the moment." Britain chided him.

"Judging by her symptoms, I'd say that it might be severe shock of some sort." Germany said.

"Hold on! I think I've got something!" America cried and they all turned to him.

"What is it, Doctor America?"

"First, I need a hamburger. Doctor France, go make me a hamburger." America pointed to the blonde.

"Eh? Why me? I don't like to cook something as tasteless as that!" he whined. "Go make it yourself."

"Don't ask questions and do as you're told or I'll make you listen to the Canadian national anthem sung by Canadian born, Justin Beiber!"

"Oh please no!" Unable to complain anymore, France went off to go obey his boss's command.

"And make it quick and jumbo sized!" America called after him.

"So what have you discovered, America?" Germany asked.

"Hold on, I need my hamburger first." Germany rubbed his forehead in frustration.

"Why must this always happen? Why am I working for such an idiot like America?" he grumbled.

Several minutes later, France returned with his boss's hamburger.

"Alright, now will you tell us?" Germany pressed.

"Wellph, allph youphm, need tomph do is-"

"No one can understand you with your mouth full of food, you dolt!" Britain snapped.

"Well you guys are just too stupid then. Fine, I'll take slower so that you can understand." America stopped stuffing his face for a moment. "Alright, Hungary is clearly suffering from Vital Regionitis. All we need to do is return her vital regions to her and she'll return to normal."

"Is there actually such a thing?" Germany pondered.

"That could explain why I feel ill sometimes. Also I feel that way when my sister Belorussia is near." The color from Russia's face drained a bit as he stood with a nervous smile on his face. An unpleasant aura settled over the room as it emanated from Russia.

"Oh look, it seems as though Prussia left something when he was escorted out." America stooped down and picked up a package labeled "Vital Regions" on it. "This should do the trick. Here, put this on her forehead and see if it works." He held out the package to Germany.

"I really don't think this is going to work, but if you say so…" Hesitantly, he place the box on the unconscious patient's head. At first nothing happened, but then a smile spread across her face.

"Ah…my vital regions…they're back…" She sighed happily and slipped off into a blissful dream.

"I don't believe it…it actually worked!"

"I told you it would!" America said and turned to leave. "Well, case closed. We cured the patient and now we can go home! I think I want another hamburger. Hey, Tony, let's continue our game!"

Russia, Germany, Britain, and Italy watched their boss exit, leaving them along in the room.

"Our boss truly is a mad genius." Britain muttered.

"Or he's just plain stupid." France said.

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**...And that's what i managed to come up with. i think i used the phrase vital regions too much and now it sounds dirty. Oh well. The morale of this story is that the hetalia characters make horrible doctors. Except for maybe Tony**


	3. Chapter 3: Gotta Catch em All

**So, out of boredom, i combined two of my favorite things: Hetalia and Pokemon. Yes, this is a parody of pokemon. it took a lot of thinking but i finished it. I don't own hetalia or pokemon. Sp please read, review, and enjoy.**

* * *

**Gotta Catch 'Em All**

Pulling on his red, white, and blue cap, America Ketchum zipped up his brown bomber jacket with a yellow star on it. "Alright! I wanna be the very best, that no one ever was! To catch them is my real test, to train them is my cause!" He began to sing as he grabbed his backpack and headed for the door.

"Oh no. Not that song again; anything but that! Don't sing that song!" His mom begged, covering her ears. "I thought I told you never to sing that song in this house!"

"Hahaha! I don't want to! This song is my favorite!" He shot back with a smile.

"Why must you sing that trash?" the weary woman sighed.

"Because I'm the hero so I have to sing such a heroic song!" America laughed. "Well, I'm gonna go catch some Hetaliamón!"

"Why couldn't you have been a lawyer like your father?" the woman began to sob.

"No way! Lawyers are stupid! Catching Hetalimón is a much more satisfying waste of time! You catch 'em, train 'em, attack people with 'em, and then you trade them in every season for a cooler one!"

"Just get out! Why does my son have to be such an incompetent idiot?"

"Well, I'm off to travel across the west, searching far and wide! Come on, Americhu, let's go out and beat" America waved and stepped out into the sunshine. The bright light reflected off his glasses as he set off down the road.

"Americhu!" Beside his scampered a little blonde furry creature with a huge thunderbolt shaped tail and tail pointy ears. Oddly enough, it had a face that looked an awful lot like America's, with the glasses, blue eyes, and all.

"That's the spirit! Hey look, it's Britain and Austripuff." Up on the hill stood America's friend, Britain. "Hey, Britain!" America called, making the blonde English man turn.

"Hello, America. It's been a long time. How have you been?"

"Hahaha! Well I've been kicked out of my house by my mom!"

"What the blood hell did you do?" He asked.

"I don't even know, but I don't really care! I have my Hetalimón so I'm all good!" He gave Britain a confident thumbs up.

"You're bloody hopeless…So what are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to enter in the UN League and become the very best Hetalimón trainer of them all!" He exclaimed happily and silence followed. Austripuff stared at Americhu from behind his glasses as it walked up to him. Laughing, Americhu pulled out a pen and drew a face using the mole on Austripuff's face. Austripuff was beginning to grow annoyed as Americhu laughed. Well, what can you expect from the Mischievous Hero Hetalimón whose favorite pastime was annoying the crap out of everyone around him?

"America, could you stop your Americhu. It's harassing my Austripuff."

"I can't do that, he's just doing what he does best!"

"Well, you'd better stop before…Oh, too late, now he's going to express his feelings in song." As he spoke, the Austripuff pulled out a piano from under his bushy squirrel tail and began to play, wearing a serious expression. Beethoven's fifth soon filled the air and they all stopped to listen. Soon, Americhu began to sway and then fell asleep.

"Ah! My Americhu! His one weakness is Classical music! Americhu, stay with me!" Frantically, America scooped up his unconscious Hetalimón. "Britain!"

"I warned you, but you didn't listen."

"So where's Japan?" America asked, still holding the sleeping Americhu.

"There he is." Britain pointed to the black haired trainer coming up the hill.

"Hey, Japan! Britain's Hetalimón's an idiot and totally took out my Americhu!" America shouted, startling his passive friend. "Austripuff is totally such a lame Hetalimón! It totally doesn't stand a chance against my Americhu!"

"But isn't your Americhu the one's that been KO'd?" Britain asked.

"Shut up! Americhu is just tired, that's all!"

"Uh…well…I am sorry for your loss." He replied apologetically. At his side was a Australipon. Australipon was one of the uncommon Hetalimons. It was a white doglike Hetalimón with a happy face.

"Aus, Aus!" Australipon barked.

"Hey, Japan, are you like totally going to compete in the UN League?"

"I guess…I don't really know…"

"You should totally compete. Although, if your Hetalimón is up against my Americhu, then you're screwed!" America laughed.

Suddenly, the trees began to shake and they all turned suddenly.

"To protect the world from devastation." A voice suddenly came.

"To unite all peoples within our nation!" A second one said only much more timidly.

"To denounce the evils of truth and love."

"To extend our reach to the stars above!"

"France!" A blonde man with a rose in his hand suddenly appeared, dressed in a purple cloak.

"Canada!" A timid light brown haired man appeared, holding a white bear in his arms.

"And Prussiowth, now that's a name!" A talking Hetalimón with a sniggering face, red eyes, and a catlike appearance appeared between the two, a small yellow bird perched on his head.

"Team Frenchy, blasting off with the speed of light. So surrender now or prepare to fight!" The said, their voices startling a flock of Lithuaniotoes.

"Team Frenchy? What are you freaks doing here? Did you come here to fight against totally awesome me?" America demanded and Americhu regained consciousness at the sound of a fight. Japan drew his sword and Britain glared at France. "You know that you can't win against me 'cause I'm the hero!"

"Don't flatter yourself, America. I came here to make fun of Britain's outrageous haircut and mock him in general. Hair-flip time!" France flipped his luscious golden hair dramatically.

"Yeah, we came here to totally make fun of you and stuff!" Canada cried.

"Canada, you're whispering again. No one can here you." Prussiowth told him, his tail swishing back and forth.

"What are you talking about? I'm yelling!" Canada assured him. There was one change in his voice. No matter how much he tried, Canada's voice never got above a wispy whisper.

"So, Britain, how can you live with that haircut of yours? I bet no girl will ever marry you if you look like a scruffy pirate." France chided.

"Shut you, you bloody wanker! Gosh, you're such a freakin' twit! I'll chop off all your hair and mar your bloody face so badly that no girl will even dare to look at you!" Britain shouted.

"My, my, such harsh words." France pulled out a red and orange sphere, a Hetaliball. "I guess we'll just have to battle."

"Bring it, you bloody Frenchy!" Britain snapped and Austripuff tensed up.

"Go show off how incredibly sexy you are, Franchar!" He threw the Hetaliball and a cat looking Hetalimón shot out. It had golden fur and a face that looked like France's. In its long tail was a rose.

"Franchar!" it sang, coiling its tail elegantly around its sleek body, sniffing the red rose.

"Franchar: The gay-I mean Elegant Hetalimón. Franchar is totally obsessed with its looks and is frequently drunk on wine. Male Franchars like to pick up girls and its special effect is Hair flip. Hair flip causes its' opponents to be totally entranced with its good looks." The Hetalidex in America's hand read out.

"Haha! That's such a lame Hetalimón! It's as useless as an Italychi." America laughed, and the Franchar hissed at him.

"How rude! Don't you dare compare by beautiful Franchar to an Italychi!"

"Fine, I'll wipe that stupid French grin off your bloody French face! Go, Germanidoom!" Britain hurled a Hetaliball and a glaring blonde Hetalimón jumped out. It growled as its blue eyes locked on to the Franchar. Germanidoom was a doglike Hetalimón with short erect ears.

"Germanidoom: The Aggressive Hetalimón. Germanidoom carries a gun over its shoulder to shoot enemies with. It has a great loathing for other Hetalimón other than Italychi. If you encounter a group of Germanidooms, you'd better run; they are easily pissed. Its special ability is Potato Machine gun which riddles an opponent with deadly potato bullets." The Hetalidex said.

"Germanidoom, Roar!" Britain commanded him.

"ROAR!" Germanidoom let out an explosive roar that startled everyone, making Team Frenchy cower in fear.

"Ah! Germanidoom!" France was shaking now. He had a fear of Germanidoom because it looked like Germany, his arch nemesis.

"Good idea in scaring them! Now, Americhu, use you're totally awesome electric attack!" America said.

"Americhu!" Americhu cried and a huge bolt of electricity shot from his tail, striking the French trio. Then an explosion followed, shooting them off into the sky.

"Team Frenchy's blasting off again!" they cried as they disappeared into the sky.

"Well, no need to thank me even though I was totally awesome!" America said, watching at they disappeared.

"No one was planning to. That happens to them every time, so it's just become like a normal thing now." Britain sighed. "Germanidoom, return." A red beam shot out of the ball and Germanidoom returned to his Hetaliball.

"So what will we do now?" Japan asked.

"Well duh! We're going to the UN League to win the championship!" America pointed to the giant coliseum that stood in the distance in Ancientium City.

"Then we'd better get going. The competition starts soon." Britain said.

"Alright, UN League here I come!" America took off full steam ahead, Americhu at his heels.

"Oh dear, I don't think they'll be able to handle his stupidity." Britain muttered as he and Japan followed slowly behind.

* * *

"Alright, we can do this, Americhu." America told his Hetalimón as they entered the field.

"Americhu!" The Hetalimón said to his trainer. The day had been spent battling various trainers from all over and now it had come down to the final two: America and the UN League Champion.

"Alright! Time to get our game faces on!" America gave a confident smile and stepped out into the playing field. The bright lights of the coliseum shone down on him as the thunderous applause of the audience swept over him. He waved to them, wearing a huge smile on his face.

"And in the east corner, it's America Ketchum with Americhu." The announcer said.

"Go beat the bloody crap out of the other guy!" Britain shouted at him.

"And in the west corner, it's our reigning champion, the handsome, the strong, Rome Empire!" Screams and monstrous applause started as the UN champion strutted out onto the field, blowing kisses to the pretty girls, making them swoon.

"Pch, what's so great about that guy. Sure he's handsome, famous, a womanizer, a champion, rich, tall, mysterious, friendly, popular, and anything else I forgot to mention, but I'm the hero! I'm way better than this guy."

"Alright, each contester with bee using six Hetalimón. Once one of the side's Hetalimón are all KO'd, the last one standing is the winner." The announcer said. "Alright, let the UN league championship beggiiiiiiiiiin!"

"Americhu, go!" America said and Americhu leaped onto the field.

"Americhu!" the Hetalimón was crackling with electricity as it waited.

"Aw, what a cute little Americhu. You two must be quiet close. Let me crush it with me Prussiowth." Rome commented, smiling as he threw his Hetaliball into the field. "Show them up, Prussiowth.

"Prussiowth." The Prussiowth sniggered as it appeared.

"Prussiowth, use Special Ninja Skills!"

"Prussi!" The Hetalimón disappeared.

"Huh? Where'd it go?" America looked confused.

"Prussiowth: The Arrogant Creeper Hetalimón. Prussiowth has got to be one of the more annoying Hetalimón in the world of Hetalia. Not only does it like to appear when it's not needed, but it makes things go from worse to worser." Hetalidex said. "Prussiowth's special ability is Seizing Vital Regions. This is…uh…I don't want to go there…Bad things happen."

Suddenly, Prussiowth reappeared behind Americhu and slashed him with his tail, sending the Hetalimón across the field.

"Americhu!" America cried.

"Alright, let's finish him off!" Rome said. "Prussiowth, use your special ability: Seizing Vital Regions!" Prussiowth gave an evil laugh and disappeared again. Americhu staggered to his feet and glanced around.

"Prussiiii!" The Hetalimón came crashing down from the ceiling, slamming Americhu into the ground.

"Americhuuu!" It cried out in pain. Then the Hetalimón went limp.

"Annd Americhu is out of the game!" The announcer said.

"Americhu…" America's face fell. "You did well, you can return now." He held out a Hetaliball and watched sadly as his beloved Americhu disappeared inside. "Don't worry, I'll win for sure now." He slipped the ball away and pulled out another one. "That Prussiowth is really strong; I have to watch out for its special attack. I guess I have to use this one."

"What's wrong, boy? Chickening out?" Rome asked.

"No way! I'm the hero! I can't chicken out!" America shot back. "Alright, Chinaru, I choose you!" He threw the ball and a panda looking Hetalimón shot out.

"Chinaru: The Economy Swallower Hetalimón. Although Chinaru may look like a cute panda, he uses the wok he carried on his back to bash his opponents into submission. This Hetalimón likes to eat a lot and take over other Hetalimón's businesses. Chinaru's special ability is Woking. Heh, what a pun. This allows Chinaru to nullify and Hetalimón's attacks with the hit of his wok."

"No matter, I'll just beat this one too. Prussiowth, Seize his Vital Regions!" Prussiowth disappeared and Chinaru took a defensive stance.

"Chinaru, use Wok Attack Pattern Alpha!" America instructed.

"Chinaru!" It replied and jumped into the sky, swinging the giant wok in the air. It struck something hard and Prussiowth reappeared before hurtling towards the ground.

"Yeah, got him! Now, Chinaru, Flying Communism Attack!"

"China, China!" Chinaru said and a red beam formed inside the wok. He aimed it at the stunned Prussiowth and it shot out.

"Prussiowth!" Rome cried, but his Hetalimón was struck by the Communist red beam.

"Prussi…owth…" It managed to gasp as it struggled to stand.

"Now, finish him with Wok It Out!" America told him. Chinaru landed on the ground and began to spin like a whirlwind. He spun towards the unprepared Prussiowth, striking him repeatedly with the metal wok. Rome's Prussiowth was sent flying and landed at his master's feet, KO'd.

"Prussiowth was struck down by Chinaru's might wok attacks! Prussiowth is out!"

"Fine, if you want to play it that way then here! Go, Russiasaur!" Out of the Hetaliball came a towering bear looking Hetalimón. Chinaru grew a bit afraid as the Russiasaur stared down at him with a slightly disturbing smile.

"Russiasaur: The Intimidating Hetalimón. This Hetalimón is one of the scariest ones. Right away, it gives others a bad feeling. Russiasaurs often live alone and hate cold weather despite living in cold places. Russiasaurs' only fear is of Belorussander. Russiasaurs' special ability is Intimidation."

"Russiasaur, Vodka Breath."

Russiasaur took in a huge gulp of air and then shot out a tongue of flame at Chinaru.

"Chinaru, defend with Diplomatic Immunity!" America shouted and Chinaru put up his wok just in time. "He's mixing vodka with fire to create a flame of vodka. This could get dangerous. Chinaru, do Wok Spin!"

Chinaru dodge rolled the flames and spun around quickly, kicking up tornado like winds. The flames followed the wind and soon Chinaru was a spinning fire tornado. Russiasaur stopped breathing and looked at Chinaru curiously.

"Now, do Fiery Wok Spin!" The Hetalimón charged towards the humongous Russiasaur and slammed into him with the fiery tornado. Russiasaur gave a roar and fell to the ground, covered in burns.

"Darn it, Russiasaur can't handle flames." Rome ground his teeth together.

"Russiasaur is KO'd!"

"Alright, I guess it's time for you to go, Germanidoom!"

"Hahaha! You're gonna use that Hetalimón? Lame!" America laughed.

"Don't underestimate my Germanidoom. It's a sparkly one!" Rome smiled cunningly as Germanidoom growled at Chinaru. "Germanidoom, use German Sparkle Party!" Germanidoom began to dance and sparkles flew through the air, settling over Chinaru.

"What the…?" Chinaru began to wobble a bit as the sparkles landed around him. "Oh no! The sparkles are messing with Chinaru's brain!"

"Now, Use Blitz Charge!" Germanidoom took off towards the confused Chinaru.

"Chinaru, dodge!" America shouted and Chinaru recovered and jumped up as Germanidoom got close. "Now, Wok Smack!" Chinaru brought the wok down on the Germanidoom as it passed under. The metal wok struck the Hetalimón in the head, knocking it out instantly.

"Germanidoom is out!"

"Well that's one strong Chinaru you have there. Let's see how it is against my Switzsaur!"

"Oh! That's a rare one! Looks like Rome is getting serious!"

"Switzsaur: The Neutrality Hetalimón. Not much is known about this Hetalimón since it lives alone. We do know that this Hetalimón will defend its neutrality fiercely. It carried a gun around and shoots things that it finds annoying."

"Switzsaur, Bullet Dance!"

"Switz!" Switzsaur pulled out the heavy gun on its back and aimed at Chinaru. Bullets shot from the gun and Chinaru put his wok up. The bullets deflected off.

"The bullets are deflecting off! That means I can just charge in now! Chinaru, Wok Charge!" The Hetalimón gave a cry and rushed towards Switzsaur. The other Hetalimón couldn't see Chinaru through the gun smoke and flying bullets. Chinaru moved to the side and came up behind Switzsaur. Just as Switzsaur stopped firing his gun, Chinaru struck him in the face and the Hetalimón fell to the ground.

"I don't believe this! Three consecutive knockouts! Chinaru is unbelievable!"

"Oh yeah! We are awesome!"

"Aru!" Chinaru agreed. The next one Rome sent out didn't stand a chance because his Romanoto fainted as soon as he saw Chinaru for no apparent reason.

"Guess I have no choice but to use _this _one since I only have one left. Go, Antarticine!" A curtain of steam poured out onto the field as a huge, wolf looking Hetalimón entered.

"Antarticine: The Unseen Hetalimón. I'm gonna give it to you straight: this Hetalimón is super-duper rare and you don't stand a chance. This Hetalimón was born in the frigid regions beyond where humans live. Antarticine's special ability is Pure Awesomeness. This makes it just plain better than everything else, so good luck!" Hetalidex said.

"It's Rome's special Hetalimón, Antarticine! How long has it been since the champion has used his special Hetalimón? Even I don't remember!" The announcer was hysterical now.

"Uh-oh…this doesn't look good." America gulped as he took in the all-white Hetalimón. Antarticine just stared at the tiny Chinaru with a superior look. "Chinaru, Wok Attack!" America had to try something.

Chinaru ran at the Antarticine, brandishing the wok. Suddenly, he froze within inches of the Hetalimón, wok poised in midair.

"Wh-What happened? Why isn't Chinaru moving?"

"That's Antarticine's special move: Cool Cucumber. He's so cool that whenever something gets too close, they instantly freeze."

"Chinaru is unable to battle."

"I'm sorry, Chinaru…" America returned Chinaru to his Hetaliball and took out another. "This doesn't look good…" To make this battle short, the other three Hetalimon America sent out all suffered the same fate. His Britainary, Canadacarp, and his Japanizer all froze the second they got close.

"This is the last one, at least now we're on our last Hetalimón. I didn't want to have to use this one…because it's so weak! But, I have no choice…Don't retreat, Italychi…" Hesitantly, he threw out his last Hetaliball and out popped a copper squirrel Hetalimón.

"Italychi: The Weakest Hetalimón. No seriously, it is. This thing can't even fight and it's only good for running away. All it does is eat pasta and sleep and hit on girls and run away from fights. If you own this Hetalimón, you're so lame. Italychi's special ability is Retreat, no surprise there."

"Hahaha! An Italychi! You've got to be kidding me!" Rome laughed and America winced as the audience laughed along with the champion. "This won't even be a fight."

Antarticine looked down at the now quivering Italychi.

"Antarticine, Freeze him." Rome said and the Hetalimón began walking towards Italychi.

"Italychi, do something!" America begged.

"Ve, ve!" Italychi pulled out a white flag and waved it around furiously.

"I'm doomed…" America sobbed.

Antarticine got towards Italychi until it towered over it. With a flick of it's paw, it knocked Italychi aside.

"Hahaha! It's over now!"

"…I don't believe this…Italychi wins!" The announcer's voice stunned everyone.

"What?"

"Antarticine is disqualified for not heeding the white flag of surrender so Italychi wins! That means that America Ketchum is the Champion!" There was stony silence before it erupted into applause.

"I don't believe I won…" America was stunned.

"I can't believe I lost…" Rome sobbed. "To an Italychi…"

"We did it! We did it, Italychi!" Overwhelmed with happiness, America scooped up the bewildered Hetalimón, and held him in the air. "We're heroes now!"

* * *

**Yeah, i know, it's a bit weird. Don't hate me too much for it. i tried my best**

"Pasta!" Italychi sang with a smile.


End file.
